Giftedness and dating
Over the past couple of months, I have gone on some fun dates with a lovely man. It's been a most interesting experience.
One of my intentions for my love life is to show up as my full self, rather than as a diluted version of me. This is not easy, because when it comes to dating, I have often been told I was 'too much'. Too sensitive, too intense, too... well, you know the drill.
After hearing you're 'too much', it makes sense to think: 'I must become less'. Which is a shame, because this is when we start shrinking ourselves and dumbing ourselves down to make others feel more comfortable and less intimidated. This conditioning has especially impacted gifted women, and it shows up a lot in dating contexts.
To undo this conditioning, I have become quite intentional about sharing my intensity and sensitivity with my dates. Where I often tried to hide those aspects of myself in the past, I am now trying to make them visible, and therefore, knowable.
The need to process
Last weekend, he and I went to a French restaurant in London. We were enjoying truffle-infused cocktails and a starter of escargots (see picture below), when the conversation came to the topic of sensitivity. He is keen to learn more about it, especially after I told him on a previous date that I had brought my journal with me, so I could reflect on our date on my train back home.
He didn't quite understand at first, until I explained that I journal to process. To go from an eventful day straight to sleep (something he can do without issue) is something I can't even fathom. It would feel like eating heavy meals all day, without taking the time to digest any of it.
I only thought of this helpful metaphor just now by the way. At the restaurant, I struggled to explain how this 'processing' works for me, and why I need it...
But it really comes down to this: reflection is digestion. Journaling helps me breaks down all the raw materials (impressions, thoughts, feelings) into smaller pieces that I can 'stomach' and absorb. It helps me make sense of my experiences, comprehend why I feel the way I do, and put new pieces of information into place. This digested result can then actually feed my body, mind and soul.
Reflection, via digestion, leads to nourishment.
Intensity and sensitivity
This urge to process is not unique: many people regularly feel the need to do so. But for gifted people, who experience the world with more intensity and sensitivity, this need is often stronger and more urgent.
High intensity refers to the strength and magnitude of your emotional, intellectual, or sensory responses. It's about how intensely you experience the world and react to it. Pair this with high sensitivity, which refers to a heightened receptivity and being affected by stimuli more deeply than others, and you've got yourself a potent mix: you are both deeply receptive (intake), and powerfully responsive (output).
What a wonderful way to be, this is! I would never trade my sensitivity and intensity for anything in the world. It allows me to feel so much love, experience euphoric happiness, and be moved to tears by even the smallest gestures of care. It's a lot to be grateful for.
But of course, there are two sides to a coin. Which means I also experience deep sadness, intense loneliness, and am just as easily moved to tears by negativity.
An intimate conversation
Such responses aren't easy to understand for people who aren't highly sensitive (HSP) themselves. So, as we ate our escargots, I gave examples of what it means to be sensitive, such as:
- I quickly get overstimulated in big groups
- I need alone-time on a regular basis
- I can be deeply impacted by someone's words (for better and for worse)
- I can go through many different emotions in a day without big events triggering them
- I often overstimulate myself, because my brain overflows with thoughts
- All those thoughts spark feelings - my inner world is very active
He in turn opened up about how he processes things - which looked quite different for him, but both our approaches had their own strengths, and were even quite complimentary.
What stood out to me about this conversation is how freeing it for me felt to talk about these things. It felt vulnerable, yes, and a bit exposed. But it was so good to be able to show up as my authentic self, with my date showing sincere interest, asking great follow-up questions, and matching my openness by sharing about himself too.
It was a stimulating conversation. Afterwards, I told him 'I think I'm going to write about this'. And guess what? You're currently reading the result of that intention 😉. I hope my reflections will bring you some nourishment too (food for thought, right?).
Ps. Want to work with me?
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